I think one of the most challenging lessons you learn as you get older, is that just because you gain years in age doesn't mean you gain any years in maturity. I came across something last night that really bothered me on Facebook in relation to what I'm going to write about.
There was this kid I went to school with from 1st grade-12th grade. If you can think of the weirdest oddball you know and multiplied it by 1,000,000 you got this kid. In fact, that would even an understatement. It's become apparent to me this kid had some social defect or something of that sort to make him the way he is in recent years. He was pale as a ghost, thin, and his mother smothered him and most likely did drugs, alcohol, and smoked throughout her pregnancy. Throughout school growing up he lived out sci-fi fantasies on the playground, pretending he was a robot, laughing inappropriately out loud to himself, running through the halls knocking people over to get to class exactly 4 minutes before the bell rang, and etc. Back then, it was humorous it was funny. He got picked on non-stop, and I admit I was mean to him a few times also. I was young then though and peer pressure was hard to resist when you were already an outcast yourself.
Before, I get into the actual story, let me make note that I'll be 22 on Saturday, my classmates and I from high school graduate in 2004. Anyways, last night while I was on Facebook I saw there was a group created all around making fun of this kid. It's description was titled (to protect this person I'm going to make up a name) " A discussion for Tom Keenly enthusiasts". Already the group has comments about the mannerisms and oddities about this kid. I know I will NEVER forget this kid, because of how really strange he was, but all these people in this group are ADULTS and haven't had association with this person for 4 years.
How much can a person take? How much hell is this poor kid going to have to go through? Why are people creating a group or hangout out of negativity and hurtfulness especially when most of these people are college graduates off in grad school, med school, or law school? Also, a lot of the people who had posted things on here were outcasts and kids made fun of in school themselves? Have people not learned anything?
I don't think people realize the effect bullying has on children. I hear even from celebrities that they will never forget some of the horrible things kids did to them growing up. I know from experiences that a lot of the bullying I received has attributed to my anxiety disorders and low self esteem. Now, just to see this freaking group 4 years after the fact, steams me.
I think things like this for teens and kids is getting worse these days. I don't think kids have the proper outlet to express their emotions and are afraid to talk to someone about it all. I know I was, and I wish there was something out there where I had a safe place I could talk to my similar peers, and gain support and tools to channel the negative experiences I was having into positive ones. My boyfriend and I were just talking about this. I'm sure there are foundations out there that serve some of these purposes I'll have to do my research though. I wish there was something more nationwide and recognized. Hmm...I may need to save some of my thoughts and ideas for this on another blog but I just wanted to share this story.
I really do hope that kid does find the peace in his life he needs to be happy and I hope he does get the help and support he needs to lead his life, and I'm truly sorry for being mean to him back in junior high.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
What do I owe to people?
First of all sorry for not blogging lately. When things tend to be pretty good in my world, I can't seem time to blog!
It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I put others to a higher standard than my own. Every choice I make in my life I feel required to give a full explanation as to why I made the choice to certain people. I guess I feel this way because I don't feel like I fit in with people in my age group, like because I'm different I owe them some sort of reasoning. I feel like I skipped the entire period of my life where I run free, drink, party, act like an ass, and sleep around. Mind you, I am glad I haven't done those things it doesn't appeal to me in any way and I don't see how experiencing that would make me "loosen up". It's very challenging to be social at my age, considering my ideas of social are not by societies standards acceptable.
For some reason there is some crime in rather spending quiet time at home or having a small gathering of people to play board games or watch a movie. Yes, I guess I'm just a nerd, but whatever. Why must people make some sort of big deal out of it? I hate being questioned all the time as to why I do things this way or why I don't want to go out to the clubs. It's so anxiety provoking hanging out with certain people who are into those things and I feel a need to give them some essay on why I don't want to go, but still they ask!
I have this one friend who I've told multiple times about my anxiety. I told him about this because a lot of the times I get panic attacks when were out and sometimes I just need to take a break or leave early because I've had my fill. Even after that he makes some big deal about me leaving early. He's like "the clock strikes 6 and off you go!". It's all meant in a joking manner, but it still bothers me. It's like cannot I not lead my life without everyone questioning my actions, and why must I feel like I owe people an explanation to my actions anyways? All of this just intensifies my anxiety and confirms my fears that people are judging away at my every move.
There is also this other side of the coin, which probably has more truth to it than my other theory, that is that I'm the only one who is putting myself in this position. I think I'm inclined to take things more personally than others because of my experiences in life. People have been very hurtful to me, so I just assume people are out to rain on my parade. I have this need to have this flawless image with everyone with the exception of my boyfriend,my best friend, one or two other friends, and my parents. Why are they are different? They are different because they fully understand who I and my experiences, and when I talk to them they LISTEN. They listen to whats in my heart and my feelings, rather than just listening at superficial level. The other people though not all, some I find very surface and shallow, so I feel like I need to play their game, but I don't fit into their game, so when I go astray I feel this strong need that I owe them some sort of reasoning as to why I'm different why I chose this or that. I get the strong sense these people think they are better than me, but deep down I know they're not. My anxiety and my fears want me to feel like they are superior and me being different I don't deserve to enjoy my life the way I chose to so I have to answer to these people as if I'm doing something wrong? I'm not saying ALL the people who do this are surface and shallow, just some, there are some other people who I am friends with where we just simply misunderstand each other.
I'm probably not making any sense, but I hope someone out here gets it. This fear of judgment and feelings of insignificance and inadequacy are things I need to work on. Besides, for feeling that way, life has been really good. I'm very lucky to be with someone now that I feel like I can be myself with. There is no greater joy than to experience laughter, fun, complexity, love, and understanding with someone. I used to have this fear of relationships, because in past relationships they were a source of "validation" for me, but I've realized relationships should "enhance your life" and this one does. It has reminded me that I am great the way I am and I do have people in my life who are supportive of me for being me. So, maybe I just need to take these other people with a grain of salt. I shouldn't ever feel like I owe things to other people. I should enjoy my life regardless if it's different from others, it's no one damn business anyways, plus if people are really that interested in why I do this or that, maybe they're the ones with the problem not me.....ramble ramble...
I'm done :) Thanks for listening!
It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I put others to a higher standard than my own. Every choice I make in my life I feel required to give a full explanation as to why I made the choice to certain people. I guess I feel this way because I don't feel like I fit in with people in my age group, like because I'm different I owe them some sort of reasoning. I feel like I skipped the entire period of my life where I run free, drink, party, act like an ass, and sleep around. Mind you, I am glad I haven't done those things it doesn't appeal to me in any way and I don't see how experiencing that would make me "loosen up". It's very challenging to be social at my age, considering my ideas of social are not by societies standards acceptable.
For some reason there is some crime in rather spending quiet time at home or having a small gathering of people to play board games or watch a movie. Yes, I guess I'm just a nerd, but whatever. Why must people make some sort of big deal out of it? I hate being questioned all the time as to why I do things this way or why I don't want to go out to the clubs. It's so anxiety provoking hanging out with certain people who are into those things and I feel a need to give them some essay on why I don't want to go, but still they ask!
I have this one friend who I've told multiple times about my anxiety. I told him about this because a lot of the times I get panic attacks when were out and sometimes I just need to take a break or leave early because I've had my fill. Even after that he makes some big deal about me leaving early. He's like "the clock strikes 6 and off you go!". It's all meant in a joking manner, but it still bothers me. It's like cannot I not lead my life without everyone questioning my actions, and why must I feel like I owe people an explanation to my actions anyways? All of this just intensifies my anxiety and confirms my fears that people are judging away at my every move.
There is also this other side of the coin, which probably has more truth to it than my other theory, that is that I'm the only one who is putting myself in this position. I think I'm inclined to take things more personally than others because of my experiences in life. People have been very hurtful to me, so I just assume people are out to rain on my parade. I have this need to have this flawless image with everyone with the exception of my boyfriend,my best friend, one or two other friends, and my parents. Why are they are different? They are different because they fully understand who I and my experiences, and when I talk to them they LISTEN. They listen to whats in my heart and my feelings, rather than just listening at superficial level. The other people though not all, some I find very surface and shallow, so I feel like I need to play their game, but I don't fit into their game, so when I go astray I feel this strong need that I owe them some sort of reasoning as to why I'm different why I chose this or that. I get the strong sense these people think they are better than me, but deep down I know they're not. My anxiety and my fears want me to feel like they are superior and me being different I don't deserve to enjoy my life the way I chose to so I have to answer to these people as if I'm doing something wrong? I'm not saying ALL the people who do this are surface and shallow, just some, there are some other people who I am friends with where we just simply misunderstand each other.
I'm probably not making any sense, but I hope someone out here gets it. This fear of judgment and feelings of insignificance and inadequacy are things I need to work on. Besides, for feeling that way, life has been really good. I'm very lucky to be with someone now that I feel like I can be myself with. There is no greater joy than to experience laughter, fun, complexity, love, and understanding with someone. I used to have this fear of relationships, because in past relationships they were a source of "validation" for me, but I've realized relationships should "enhance your life" and this one does. It has reminded me that I am great the way I am and I do have people in my life who are supportive of me for being me. So, maybe I just need to take these other people with a grain of salt. I shouldn't ever feel like I owe things to other people. I should enjoy my life regardless if it's different from others, it's no one damn business anyways, plus if people are really that interested in why I do this or that, maybe they're the ones with the problem not me.....ramble ramble...
I'm done :) Thanks for listening!
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