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Mentally Defected Love

By all means in this blog I'm not claiming to be an expert on he subject of love and relationships. However, I feel as I've gained some experience I have also gained some insight into some of the absurdities that take place in SOME relationships. 

I am not cynical nor bitter. I think relationships are wonderful, but I also think you need to be realistic about relationships. The world unfortunately is not a Disney movie, therefore trying to replicate a relationship of a Disney couple is rather moronic...Let me give you an example of a real life situation.

I knew this person (and no this is not me!) who was dating this guy for a months. They broke up for reasons I do not know, and a week later this guy ended up meeting this girl one day and they fell in love that same day and started going out. Fine, thats a little quick, but whatever. What makes this even more odd is the day after they first met they were writing stuff on each others facebook walls such as  

"I love Sally with all of my heart and we will share our love together for all our days and into forever in Gods beautiful heaven awaiting us one day. "

and

"I am so glad I met you yesterday.I love you so much you are everything to me, you ,made all my dreams come true and we had the most magical day of our lives. You are my life and all I want to do is make you happy and be there for you for the rest of my life and into eternity."



What the freaking hell? Are you serious? These people are in their mid to late twenties acting like they are on some episode of Barney the Dinosaur. This is NOT reality people. I find it a smack in the face actually to real relationships or what I consider real relationships. Love takes time it takes commitment, loyalty, honesty, intimacy. It isn't something that just magically appears because the fairy godmother puts some bibbity bobbity boo spell on you. Again, this wasn't my boyfriend, though I'm sure I'm making it sound like it because this just aggravates me. I guess I'm angry for my friend who obviously has to deal with this BS. 

I think people have this messed up concept on love or mine is just different. Loving someone to me isn't going buying someone flowers and expensive jewelry, professing your love for someone in a football stadium, or writing vomit worthy notes to people about frolicking in heaven with the Disney Princesses and Bambi's dead mother. Love is strong bond between two people where you are both secure in the fact in what your feelings are for each other. Sure gifts are nice but being able to share special private moments with each other is far more powerful than any corny message or material item. Maybe I'm more of a private person, but I don't need to go around shoving my love for someone in everyone else's face, it doesn't mean I'm any less in love or care for someone less. I don't know, but these people I'm talking about above seriously need to get out of the Land of Delusion. I know it's not my business but honesty if you are in your mid to late twenties you should cut out the pixie dust and try and develop a realistic relationship. 



Rant over.

Reflections of a Dark Past

I know it has been FOREVER since I last blogged. My life has been hectic. I'm am doing pretty good though and I plan to blog more frequently.


Note: I am sorry if I offend anyone from my past in here that is no my intention.

  Painful experiences are hard to let go, no matter how many times you revisit them and try and get past them. I find myself at night when I can't sleep going over my past experiences. I know it does nothing to keep talking about them. It doesn't change what happened, but maybe each time I talk about them it becomes easier to deal with. 

People tend to dismiss the experiences of their childhood as meaningless and trivial, but I think in many instances they do play a part in how we are shaped in the world. Ever since I was in middle school I felt this ongoing need to be perfect. I think it initially started when I first started going to middle school. It was a very strange transition. I remember being in elementary school and everything being carefree and fun. When I went to middle school I noticed everything shifted from "fun" to "cool". Girls at my school started dressing in Abercrombie & Fitch, wearing makeup, getting their hair highlighted. It was very odd to see this considering a few months ago I was wearing a shirt with Disney characters on it and getting a haircut my mother picked out for me. It was a culture shock! People started forming little groups. Everyone began to be divded...preps, jocks, nerds, skaters..etc. As I go through my facebook and myspace now I can identify who was in what group growing up and how in most cases I still put some of these people on pedestal because of their status in high school. I assume they get more out of life, they are more popular, and have better experiences. Regardless I wouldn't want to be in their position. At the same time though, I enjoy my own life, my own sense of purpose and style, the people I am close with. That is a very wishy-washy stance I know but they are those past negative beliefs about myself that rear their ugly heads every so often. 

I was teased severely in the 8th grade. This caused me to develop panic disorder. I would sit through an hour of 4th period U.S. History class everyday being teased by these 2 boys unmercifully. Every single day I'd sit there frozen in fear and shaking never knowing if I'd make it through that day. I survived though, but that left a permanent scar on my self worth. That scar became a part of my identity for a long time and still it makes it appearances as an adult. I never realized the impact of bullying until I started to hear other stories. We hear stories today about kids committing suicide over things such as this because it really is that painful. When you are in school and at that age that is your life. School and the people in it are all you experience so you assume their opinion of you is the worlds opinion of you. 

After middle school, I ditched who I was and just lived the life of that painful scar. I held back my bubbly fun personality from the world and took on this shy and reserved role. I dismissed interests I had such as singing or theater because that would make me only more vulnerable. I had done band throughout middle school, so I just stuck with that because it was familiar. I began to people please everyone around me hoping to win the approval and praise of those around me. I felt like I had to win peoples affection by showering them with kindness and gifts all while I tormented and hated myself on the inside. Marching band was utter hell for me. I can't think of something I hated worse in my life. I loved music. I loved playing in concert band, but the constant practices and long hours of constant band was not how I wanted to spend my life. Band was my life and it couldn't be anything less. I was too afraid to quit. I was too afraid of what people would think. If I even mentioned hating band I got evil glares and looks from the people in band who loved it. I'm not saying band is a horrible thing, it just wasn't for me, and I sure as hell wish I didn't give shit back then and just quit. I would of rather done 4 years of P.E.! 

As I look back now there is a part of me who wishes they could just show everyone I used to know who I really am. It is a constant process for me learning to love and accept myself. It isn't an easy one but I'm glad I am going through it. The people I have met and friends I have made these past 2/3 years have been a great asset to myself and my growth. I don't keep in contact much with a lot of people from past, probably because I think I'll feel like I need to conform to how I used to be in order for them not to think I've lost my mind entirely. I like my life now and it has taken many obstacles to get where I am and I am facing more and more obstacles each day. Each time I go through something it does become easier and my confidence builds. Even though there are plenty of things I'm mad at myself for doing in ways I am glad I did them because it has given me this profound insight into who I am. It has allowed me to stop blaming others for my bad experiences and recognize that I am my worst critic. Life is truly a complex journey, but a journey I'm glad I get to experience. 

Outside our world.

Outside our world. Outside our world Outside our world we live in a solar system of seven other planets. The sun; our star provides light and nourishment for our existence. Our solar system takes up only a minuscule fraction of what makes up the Milky Way Galaxy, and outside our galaxy there is a beautiful boundless universe full of possibilities, questions, and truth.

What I often wonder is how many people in society take the time to even think about the Universe? We live in a world where our priorities are often petty and frivolous. Cell phones, TV, celebrities, gossip, and other meaningless things have taken precedence over our lives. We live in a world today where many of us just do the bare minimum to get by and go about leading a limited life closed off from learning and pursuing knowledge. Some people subject themselves to a certain faith that limits them from posing questions, considering alternatives, and understanding other points of view. There are people in this world who do not realize the significance and preciousness of our Earth and choose to slowly destroy it or ignore the dangers we expose it to daily.

All of this is a shame. It seems to me in the history of our existence our ancient ancestors had far more passion and desire to learn about who we are and our place in the Cosmos. Perhaps people assume we know as much as we know and do not care anymore. That could not be farther from the truth, and honestly I think that is a completely cop out on our part.

I remember growing up and being intrigued by the stars and the planets. I am sure most kids had similar experiences. When we were young in elementary school we actually learned about the planets and our solar system. We all were so in awe about it all and we often were eager to ask questions and gain as much knowledge as possible. As many of grew up we stopped looking up and pointing out the familiar constellations and the excitement about the stars and our universe seemed to dissipate. The night sky became mundane and ordinary.

I have always had a love for the stars. My favorite movie since I was 10 has been Contact which was originally a book written by Carl Sagan. If you are not familiar with Carl Sagan, I'd suggest you become familiar with him because he is truly an inspirational amazing man. His thoughts and ideas on the Universe are awe-inspiring,humbling, and beautiful. I know a major component in astronomy is physics. I am not much of a math or physics person, but you do not need know those concepts to appreciate the Universe. Carl Sagan does a brilliant job of explaining the concepts of the Universe in a way that is understood and appreciated by all. He encouraged people to question the Universe even if it was the most simplistic of questions it was always worthy of an answer. He had a way that sparked up the child-like fascination and awe about our Universe that we had forgotten about or set aside.

I really wish that people would take the time to begin to ponder the Universe. I want people to go outside and look at the stars again. I want people to pick up and book or watch a film and learn about the Cosmos. I want people to spark up conversations and debates with their peers and mentors on their ideas and thoughts on our Universe. I think this is so incredibly important. We are a part of the Universe we are the Cosmos. Everything that we are made of and everything that surrounds us is a part of the Universe. It is the very existence of our being. Why should we not question and ponder it? Why do we dismiss it and set it aside? There are so many wonderful amazing discoveries we have yet to discover and so many conversations that have to take place that can help us understand who we are and help us realize that we are just small part of something that is so vast and awesome.

"We make our world significant by the courage of our questions, and by the depth of our answers"--Carl Sagan

Grow the f**** up!

I think one of the most challenging lessons you learn as you get older, is that just because you gain years in age doesn't mean you gain any years in maturity. I came across something last night that really bothered me on Facebook in relation to what I'm going to write about.

There was this kid I went to school with from 1st grade-12th grade. If you can think of the weirdest oddball you know and multiplied it by 1,000,000 you got this kid. In fact, that would even an understatement. It's become apparent to me this kid had some social defect or something of that sort to make him the way he is in recent years. He was pale as a ghost, thin, and his mother smothered him and most likely did drugs, alcohol, and smoked throughout her pregnancy. Throughout school growing up he lived out sci-fi fantasies on the playground, pretending he was a robot, laughing inappropriately out loud to himself, running through the halls knocking people over to get to class exactly 4 minutes before the bell rang, and etc. Back then, it was humorous it was funny. He got picked on non-stop, and I admit I was mean to him a few times also. I was young then though and peer pressure was hard to resist when you were already an outcast yourself.

Before, I get into the actual story, let me make note that I'll be 22 on Saturday, my classmates and I from high school graduate in 2004. Anyways, last night while I was on Facebook I saw there was a group created all around making fun of this kid. It's description was titled (to protect this person I'm going to make up a name) " A discussion for Tom Keenly enthusiasts". Already the group has comments about the mannerisms and oddities about this kid. I know I will NEVER forget this kid, because of how really strange he was, but all these people in this group are ADULTS and haven't had association with this person for 4 years.

How much can a person take? How much hell is this poor kid going to have to go through? Why are people creating a group or hangout out of negativity and hurtfulness especially when most of these people are college graduates off in grad school, med school, or law school? Also, a lot of the people who had posted things on here were outcasts and kids made fun of in school themselves? Have people not learned anything?

I don't think people realize the effect bullying has on children. I hear even from celebrities that they will never forget some of the horrible things kids did to them growing up. I know from experiences that a lot of the bullying I received has attributed to my anxiety disorders and low self esteem. Now, just to see this freaking group 4 years after the fact, steams me.

I think things like this for teens and kids is getting worse these days. I don't think kids have the proper outlet to express their emotions and are afraid to talk to someone about it all. I know I was, and I wish there was something out there where I had a safe place I could talk to my similar peers, and gain support and tools to channel the negative experiences I was having into positive ones. My boyfriend and I were just talking about this. I'm sure there are foundations out there that serve some of these purposes I'll have to do my research though. I wish there was something more nationwide and recognized. Hmm...I may need to save some of my thoughts and ideas for this on another blog but I just wanted to share this story.

I really do hope that kid does find the peace in his life he needs to be happy and I hope he does get the help and support he needs to lead his life, and I'm truly sorry for being mean to him back in junior high.

What do I owe to people?

First of all sorry for not blogging lately. When things tend to be pretty good in my world, I can't seem time to blog!

It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I put others to a higher standard than my own. Every choice I make in my life I feel required to give a full explanation as to why I made the choice to certain people. I guess I feel this way because I don't feel like I fit in with people in my age group, like because I'm different I owe them some sort of reasoning. I feel like I skipped the entire period of my life where I run free, drink, party, act like an ass, and sleep around. Mind you, I am glad I haven't done those things it doesn't appeal to me in any way and I don't see how experiencing that would make me "loosen up". It's very challenging to be social at my age, considering my ideas of social are not by societies standards acceptable.

For some reason there is some crime in rather spending quiet time at home or having a small gathering of people to play board games or watch a movie. Yes, I guess I'm just a nerd, but whatever. Why must people make some sort of big deal out of it? I hate being questioned all the time as to why I do things this way or why I don't want to go out to the clubs. It's so anxiety provoking hanging out with certain people who are into those things and I feel a need to give them some essay on why I don't want to go, but still they ask!

I have this one friend who I've told multiple times about my anxiety. I told him about this because a lot of the times I get panic attacks when were out and sometimes I just need to take a break or leave early because I've had my fill. Even after that he makes some big deal about me leaving early. He's like "the clock strikes 6 and off you go!". It's all meant in a joking manner, but it still bothers me. It's like cannot I not lead my life without everyone questioning my actions, and why must I feel like I owe people an explanation to my actions anyways? All of this just intensifies my anxiety and confirms my fears that people are judging away at my every move.

There is also this other side of the coin, which probably has more truth to it than my other theory, that is that I'm the only one who is putting myself in this position. I think I'm inclined to take things more personally than others because of my experiences in life. People have been very hurtful to me, so I just assume people are out to rain on my parade. I have this need to have this flawless image with everyone with the exception of my boyfriend,my best friend, one or two other friends, and my parents. Why are they are different? They are different because they fully understand who I and my experiences, and when I talk to them they LISTEN. They listen to whats in my heart and my feelings, rather than just listening at superficial level. The other people though not all, some I find very surface and shallow, so I feel like I need to play their game, but I don't fit into their game, so when I go astray I feel this strong need that I owe them some sort of reasoning as to why I'm different why I chose this or that. I get the strong sense these people think they are better than me, but deep down I know they're not. My anxiety and my fears want me to feel like they are superior and me being different I don't deserve to enjoy my life the way I chose to so I have to answer to these people as if I'm doing something wrong? I'm not saying ALL the people who do this are surface and shallow, just some, there are some other people who I am friends with where we just simply misunderstand each other.

I'm probably not making any sense, but I hope someone out here gets it. This fear of judgment and feelings of insignificance and inadequacy are things I need to work on. Besides, for feeling that way, life has been really good. I'm very lucky to be with someone now that I feel like I can be myself with. There is no greater joy than to experience laughter, fun, complexity, love, and understanding with someone. I used to have this fear of relationships, because in past relationships they were a source of "validation" for me, but I've realized relationships should "enhance your life" and this one does. It has reminded me that I am great the way I am and I do have people in my life who are supportive of me for being me. So, maybe I just need to take these other people with a grain of salt. I shouldn't ever feel like I owe things to other people. I should enjoy my life regardless if it's different from others, it's no one damn business anyways, plus if people are really that interested in why I do this or that, maybe they're the ones with the problem not me.....ramble ramble...

I'm done :) Thanks for listening!

Adventures in Panic Disorder

Today was a great day my parents were in town and we went out and did a lot of fun things until it came until dinner time. I decided we should try this restaurant I heard about, but it was kind of far.

I was driving with them in the car to dinner, not sure at all where this place was or how long it would take. We are getting every red light possible. There is something about traffic, stopping, moving, stopping, that makes me really uncomfortable. I feel stuck and out of control. That started to make me anxious followed by nausea which is the first thing I get in panic. We're still driving going along and every half block another long traffic light. This is miserable, I am just thinking I need to either get to where we are going or go back, according to my odometer we only had 5 miles to go so I figured just do it. We finally get there and who the heck knows where we are and the place is closed.

We decide to go back, but I tell my Dad he should drive and find a quicker route. We found a quicker route, but my panic was peaking. It was at the point where any disturbance someone talking, something looking weird, something sounding strange just intensifies the panic. I feel very near being sick, but I held it together barely. I just sat there frozen, like I couldn't move. All I wanted to do was get home. Home=safe. For the next 10 minutes through driving I was experiencing the on and off panic....it would dissipate then peak...etc...those moments where you feel like you'll be OK then the next you're about off the cliff...

I made it home, sent my parents to dinner, and still feel very nauseated. I'm proud of myself today because I did do a lot of things I normally shouldn't have. I probably should of taken another dose of Klonopin before dinner, but I felt fine then, you know how it goes. I mean, when I am in that severe of panic I can't concentrate enough to breathe or I have no way of escape so I just vacillate in it. So, on that note I'll stop dwelling on it. Just figured I'd share, but honestly I'm truly proud of myself the past 2 days I've realized that I can do "normal" activities and ENJOY them, which is nice to know. :)