Moving Blogs

I'm leaving blogger. Visit my new blogsite...

http://starryseashore.livejournal.com/

Mentally Defected Love

By all means in this blog I'm not claiming to be an expert on he subject of love and relationships. However, I feel as I've gained some experience I have also gained some insight into some of the absurdities that take place in SOME relationships. 

I am not cynical nor bitter. I think relationships are wonderful, but I also think you need to be realistic about relationships. The world unfortunately is not a Disney movie, therefore trying to replicate a relationship of a Disney couple is rather moronic...Let me give you an example of a real life situation.

I knew this person (and no this is not me!) who was dating this guy for a months. They broke up for reasons I do not know, and a week later this guy ended up meeting this girl one day and they fell in love that same day and started going out. Fine, thats a little quick, but whatever. What makes this even more odd is the day after they first met they were writing stuff on each others facebook walls such as  

"I love Sally with all of my heart and we will share our love together for all our days and into forever in Gods beautiful heaven awaiting us one day. "

and

"I am so glad I met you yesterday.I love you so much you are everything to me, you ,made all my dreams come true and we had the most magical day of our lives. You are my life and all I want to do is make you happy and be there for you for the rest of my life and into eternity."



What the freaking hell? Are you serious? These people are in their mid to late twenties acting like they are on some episode of Barney the Dinosaur. This is NOT reality people. I find it a smack in the face actually to real relationships or what I consider real relationships. Love takes time it takes commitment, loyalty, honesty, intimacy. It isn't something that just magically appears because the fairy godmother puts some bibbity bobbity boo spell on you. Again, this wasn't my boyfriend, though I'm sure I'm making it sound like it because this just aggravates me. I guess I'm angry for my friend who obviously has to deal with this BS. 

I think people have this messed up concept on love or mine is just different. Loving someone to me isn't going buying someone flowers and expensive jewelry, professing your love for someone in a football stadium, or writing vomit worthy notes to people about frolicking in heaven with the Disney Princesses and Bambi's dead mother. Love is strong bond between two people where you are both secure in the fact in what your feelings are for each other. Sure gifts are nice but being able to share special private moments with each other is far more powerful than any corny message or material item. Maybe I'm more of a private person, but I don't need to go around shoving my love for someone in everyone else's face, it doesn't mean I'm any less in love or care for someone less. I don't know, but these people I'm talking about above seriously need to get out of the Land of Delusion. I know it's not my business but honesty if you are in your mid to late twenties you should cut out the pixie dust and try and develop a realistic relationship. 



Rant over.

Reflections of a Dark Past

I know it has been FOREVER since I last blogged. My life has been hectic. I'm am doing pretty good though and I plan to blog more frequently.


Note: I am sorry if I offend anyone from my past in here that is no my intention.

  Painful experiences are hard to let go, no matter how many times you revisit them and try and get past them. I find myself at night when I can't sleep going over my past experiences. I know it does nothing to keep talking about them. It doesn't change what happened, but maybe each time I talk about them it becomes easier to deal with. 

People tend to dismiss the experiences of their childhood as meaningless and trivial, but I think in many instances they do play a part in how we are shaped in the world. Ever since I was in middle school I felt this ongoing need to be perfect. I think it initially started when I first started going to middle school. It was a very strange transition. I remember being in elementary school and everything being carefree and fun. When I went to middle school I noticed everything shifted from "fun" to "cool". Girls at my school started dressing in Abercrombie & Fitch, wearing makeup, getting their hair highlighted. It was very odd to see this considering a few months ago I was wearing a shirt with Disney characters on it and getting a haircut my mother picked out for me. It was a culture shock! People started forming little groups. Everyone began to be divded...preps, jocks, nerds, skaters..etc. As I go through my facebook and myspace now I can identify who was in what group growing up and how in most cases I still put some of these people on pedestal because of their status in high school. I assume they get more out of life, they are more popular, and have better experiences. Regardless I wouldn't want to be in their position. At the same time though, I enjoy my own life, my own sense of purpose and style, the people I am close with. That is a very wishy-washy stance I know but they are those past negative beliefs about myself that rear their ugly heads every so often. 

I was teased severely in the 8th grade. This caused me to develop panic disorder. I would sit through an hour of 4th period U.S. History class everyday being teased by these 2 boys unmercifully. Every single day I'd sit there frozen in fear and shaking never knowing if I'd make it through that day. I survived though, but that left a permanent scar on my self worth. That scar became a part of my identity for a long time and still it makes it appearances as an adult. I never realized the impact of bullying until I started to hear other stories. We hear stories today about kids committing suicide over things such as this because it really is that painful. When you are in school and at that age that is your life. School and the people in it are all you experience so you assume their opinion of you is the worlds opinion of you. 

After middle school, I ditched who I was and just lived the life of that painful scar. I held back my bubbly fun personality from the world and took on this shy and reserved role. I dismissed interests I had such as singing or theater because that would make me only more vulnerable. I had done band throughout middle school, so I just stuck with that because it was familiar. I began to people please everyone around me hoping to win the approval and praise of those around me. I felt like I had to win peoples affection by showering them with kindness and gifts all while I tormented and hated myself on the inside. Marching band was utter hell for me. I can't think of something I hated worse in my life. I loved music. I loved playing in concert band, but the constant practices and long hours of constant band was not how I wanted to spend my life. Band was my life and it couldn't be anything less. I was too afraid to quit. I was too afraid of what people would think. If I even mentioned hating band I got evil glares and looks from the people in band who loved it. I'm not saying band is a horrible thing, it just wasn't for me, and I sure as hell wish I didn't give shit back then and just quit. I would of rather done 4 years of P.E.! 

As I look back now there is a part of me who wishes they could just show everyone I used to know who I really am. It is a constant process for me learning to love and accept myself. It isn't an easy one but I'm glad I am going through it. The people I have met and friends I have made these past 2/3 years have been a great asset to myself and my growth. I don't keep in contact much with a lot of people from past, probably because I think I'll feel like I need to conform to how I used to be in order for them not to think I've lost my mind entirely. I like my life now and it has taken many obstacles to get where I am and I am facing more and more obstacles each day. Each time I go through something it does become easier and my confidence builds. Even though there are plenty of things I'm mad at myself for doing in ways I am glad I did them because it has given me this profound insight into who I am. It has allowed me to stop blaming others for my bad experiences and recognize that I am my worst critic. Life is truly a complex journey, but a journey I'm glad I get to experience.