First of all sorry for not blogging lately. When things tend to be pretty good in my world, I can't seem time to blog!
It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I put others to a higher standard than my own. Every choice I make in my life I feel required to give a full explanation as to why I made the choice to certain people. I guess I feel this way because I don't feel like I fit in with people in my age group, like because I'm different I owe them some sort of reasoning. I feel like I skipped the entire period of my life where I run free, drink, party, act like an ass, and sleep around. Mind you, I am glad I haven't done those things it doesn't appeal to me in any way and I don't see how experiencing that would make me "loosen up". It's very challenging to be social at my age, considering my ideas of social are not by societies standards acceptable.
For some reason there is some crime in rather spending quiet time at home or having a small gathering of people to play board games or watch a movie. Yes, I guess I'm just a nerd, but whatever. Why must people make some sort of big deal out of it? I hate being questioned all the time as to why I do things this way or why I don't want to go out to the clubs. It's so anxiety provoking hanging out with certain people who are into those things and I feel a need to give them some essay on why I don't want to go, but still they ask!
I have this one friend who I've told multiple times about my anxiety. I told him about this because a lot of the times I get panic attacks when were out and sometimes I just need to take a break or leave early because I've had my fill. Even after that he makes some big deal about me leaving early. He's like "the clock strikes 6 and off you go!". It's all meant in a joking manner, but it still bothers me. It's like cannot I not lead my life without everyone questioning my actions, and why must I feel like I owe people an explanation to my actions anyways? All of this just intensifies my anxiety and confirms my fears that people are judging away at my every move.
There is also this other side of the coin, which probably has more truth to it than my other theory, that is that I'm the only one who is putting myself in this position. I think I'm inclined to take things more personally than others because of my experiences in life. People have been very hurtful to me, so I just assume people are out to rain on my parade. I have this need to have this flawless image with everyone with the exception of my boyfriend,my best friend, one or two other friends, and my parents. Why are they are different? They are different because they fully understand who I and my experiences, and when I talk to them they LISTEN. They listen to whats in my heart and my feelings, rather than just listening at superficial level. The other people though not all, some I find very surface and shallow, so I feel like I need to play their game, but I don't fit into their game, so when I go astray I feel this strong need that I owe them some sort of reasoning as to why I'm different why I chose this or that. I get the strong sense these people think they are better than me, but deep down I know they're not. My anxiety and my fears want me to feel like they are superior and me being different I don't deserve to enjoy my life the way I chose to so I have to answer to these people as if I'm doing something wrong? I'm not saying ALL the people who do this are surface and shallow, just some, there are some other people who I am friends with where we just simply misunderstand each other.
I'm probably not making any sense, but I hope someone out here gets it. This fear of judgment and feelings of insignificance and inadequacy are things I need to work on. Besides, for feeling that way, life has been really good. I'm very lucky to be with someone now that I feel like I can be myself with. There is no greater joy than to experience laughter, fun, complexity, love, and understanding with someone. I used to have this fear of relationships, because in past relationships they were a source of "validation" for me, but I've realized relationships should "enhance your life" and this one does. It has reminded me that I am great the way I am and I do have people in my life who are supportive of me for being me. So, maybe I just need to take these other people with a grain of salt. I shouldn't ever feel like I owe things to other people. I should enjoy my life regardless if it's different from others, it's no one damn business anyways, plus if people are really that interested in why I do this or that, maybe they're the ones with the problem not me.....ramble ramble...
I'm done :) Thanks for listening!
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1 comment:
Hey! I'm a lurker. Nice to meet you.
I can identify with your post:)
I've been pretty much in the same boat all my life, and I know there are others out there who feel this way. So yeah, you're definitely not an oddball, although that's exactly what the masses would like you to believe.
The good news is you're exactly right. The people who demand explanations on "why you are the way you are" have the real problem. They are out of their comfort zones. The more uncomfortable they are the more likely they will try to put the blame on you. It really makes a statement about their maturity and their level of life experience, if you think about it. Maturity doesn't necessarily increase with age even though that's the popular belief. I've met many old fools. So yeah, don't be fooled by age or class or whatever. There are tons of immature, shallow people out there.
The truth is you don't owe people anything. If they act like you do, they're really overstepping a personal boundary of yours. Try practicing setting some emotional boundaries. Maybe write a list of what people may or may not do. It really helps you define your space physically and mentally. For example, People may not try to talk me out of my daily quiet time. That's a boundary. You'll have to tell some people very clearly, spoken and sometimes even written, what your boundaries are. If they don't respect them, you need to tell them there will be consequences. Think beforehand on what you will do to enforce the boundary. I think that's the trickiest part. You could tell them you won't answer their calls anymore or whatever it is that will make it the most clear to the other person to mind their own business/back off, etc.
The people who love you for you will accept and respect those boundaries. The people who won't you should drop or they'll leave by themselves once they realized you're serious about your boundaries.
Good luck with everything!
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