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Mentally Defected Love

By all means in this blog I'm not claiming to be an expert on he subject of love and relationships. However, I feel as I've gained some experience I have also gained some insight into some of the absurdities that take place in SOME relationships. 

I am not cynical nor bitter. I think relationships are wonderful, but I also think you need to be realistic about relationships. The world unfortunately is not a Disney movie, therefore trying to replicate a relationship of a Disney couple is rather moronic...Let me give you an example of a real life situation.

I knew this person (and no this is not me!) who was dating this guy for a months. They broke up for reasons I do not know, and a week later this guy ended up meeting this girl one day and they fell in love that same day and started going out. Fine, thats a little quick, but whatever. What makes this even more odd is the day after they first met they were writing stuff on each others facebook walls such as  

"I love Sally with all of my heart and we will share our love together for all our days and into forever in Gods beautiful heaven awaiting us one day. "

and

"I am so glad I met you yesterday.I love you so much you are everything to me, you ,made all my dreams come true and we had the most magical day of our lives. You are my life and all I want to do is make you happy and be there for you for the rest of my life and into eternity."



What the freaking hell? Are you serious? These people are in their mid to late twenties acting like they are on some episode of Barney the Dinosaur. This is NOT reality people. I find it a smack in the face actually to real relationships or what I consider real relationships. Love takes time it takes commitment, loyalty, honesty, intimacy. It isn't something that just magically appears because the fairy godmother puts some bibbity bobbity boo spell on you. Again, this wasn't my boyfriend, though I'm sure I'm making it sound like it because this just aggravates me. I guess I'm angry for my friend who obviously has to deal with this BS. 

I think people have this messed up concept on love or mine is just different. Loving someone to me isn't going buying someone flowers and expensive jewelry, professing your love for someone in a football stadium, or writing vomit worthy notes to people about frolicking in heaven with the Disney Princesses and Bambi's dead mother. Love is strong bond between two people where you are both secure in the fact in what your feelings are for each other. Sure gifts are nice but being able to share special private moments with each other is far more powerful than any corny message or material item. Maybe I'm more of a private person, but I don't need to go around shoving my love for someone in everyone else's face, it doesn't mean I'm any less in love or care for someone less. I don't know, but these people I'm talking about above seriously need to get out of the Land of Delusion. I know it's not my business but honesty if you are in your mid to late twenties you should cut out the pixie dust and try and develop a realistic relationship. 



Rant over.

Reflections of a Dark Past

I know it has been FOREVER since I last blogged. My life has been hectic. I'm am doing pretty good though and I plan to blog more frequently.


Note: I am sorry if I offend anyone from my past in here that is no my intention.

  Painful experiences are hard to let go, no matter how many times you revisit them and try and get past them. I find myself at night when I can't sleep going over my past experiences. I know it does nothing to keep talking about them. It doesn't change what happened, but maybe each time I talk about them it becomes easier to deal with. 

People tend to dismiss the experiences of their childhood as meaningless and trivial, but I think in many instances they do play a part in how we are shaped in the world. Ever since I was in middle school I felt this ongoing need to be perfect. I think it initially started when I first started going to middle school. It was a very strange transition. I remember being in elementary school and everything being carefree and fun. When I went to middle school I noticed everything shifted from "fun" to "cool". Girls at my school started dressing in Abercrombie & Fitch, wearing makeup, getting their hair highlighted. It was very odd to see this considering a few months ago I was wearing a shirt with Disney characters on it and getting a haircut my mother picked out for me. It was a culture shock! People started forming little groups. Everyone began to be divded...preps, jocks, nerds, skaters..etc. As I go through my facebook and myspace now I can identify who was in what group growing up and how in most cases I still put some of these people on pedestal because of their status in high school. I assume they get more out of life, they are more popular, and have better experiences. Regardless I wouldn't want to be in their position. At the same time though, I enjoy my own life, my own sense of purpose and style, the people I am close with. That is a very wishy-washy stance I know but they are those past negative beliefs about myself that rear their ugly heads every so often. 

I was teased severely in the 8th grade. This caused me to develop panic disorder. I would sit through an hour of 4th period U.S. History class everyday being teased by these 2 boys unmercifully. Every single day I'd sit there frozen in fear and shaking never knowing if I'd make it through that day. I survived though, but that left a permanent scar on my self worth. That scar became a part of my identity for a long time and still it makes it appearances as an adult. I never realized the impact of bullying until I started to hear other stories. We hear stories today about kids committing suicide over things such as this because it really is that painful. When you are in school and at that age that is your life. School and the people in it are all you experience so you assume their opinion of you is the worlds opinion of you. 

After middle school, I ditched who I was and just lived the life of that painful scar. I held back my bubbly fun personality from the world and took on this shy and reserved role. I dismissed interests I had such as singing or theater because that would make me only more vulnerable. I had done band throughout middle school, so I just stuck with that because it was familiar. I began to people please everyone around me hoping to win the approval and praise of those around me. I felt like I had to win peoples affection by showering them with kindness and gifts all while I tormented and hated myself on the inside. Marching band was utter hell for me. I can't think of something I hated worse in my life. I loved music. I loved playing in concert band, but the constant practices and long hours of constant band was not how I wanted to spend my life. Band was my life and it couldn't be anything less. I was too afraid to quit. I was too afraid of what people would think. If I even mentioned hating band I got evil glares and looks from the people in band who loved it. I'm not saying band is a horrible thing, it just wasn't for me, and I sure as hell wish I didn't give shit back then and just quit. I would of rather done 4 years of P.E.! 

As I look back now there is a part of me who wishes they could just show everyone I used to know who I really am. It is a constant process for me learning to love and accept myself. It isn't an easy one but I'm glad I am going through it. The people I have met and friends I have made these past 2/3 years have been a great asset to myself and my growth. I don't keep in contact much with a lot of people from past, probably because I think I'll feel like I need to conform to how I used to be in order for them not to think I've lost my mind entirely. I like my life now and it has taken many obstacles to get where I am and I am facing more and more obstacles each day. Each time I go through something it does become easier and my confidence builds. Even though there are plenty of things I'm mad at myself for doing in ways I am glad I did them because it has given me this profound insight into who I am. It has allowed me to stop blaming others for my bad experiences and recognize that I am my worst critic. Life is truly a complex journey, but a journey I'm glad I get to experience. 

Outside our world.

Outside our world. Outside our world Outside our world we live in a solar system of seven other planets. The sun; our star provides light and nourishment for our existence. Our solar system takes up only a minuscule fraction of what makes up the Milky Way Galaxy, and outside our galaxy there is a beautiful boundless universe full of possibilities, questions, and truth.

What I often wonder is how many people in society take the time to even think about the Universe? We live in a world where our priorities are often petty and frivolous. Cell phones, TV, celebrities, gossip, and other meaningless things have taken precedence over our lives. We live in a world today where many of us just do the bare minimum to get by and go about leading a limited life closed off from learning and pursuing knowledge. Some people subject themselves to a certain faith that limits them from posing questions, considering alternatives, and understanding other points of view. There are people in this world who do not realize the significance and preciousness of our Earth and choose to slowly destroy it or ignore the dangers we expose it to daily.

All of this is a shame. It seems to me in the history of our existence our ancient ancestors had far more passion and desire to learn about who we are and our place in the Cosmos. Perhaps people assume we know as much as we know and do not care anymore. That could not be farther from the truth, and honestly I think that is a completely cop out on our part.

I remember growing up and being intrigued by the stars and the planets. I am sure most kids had similar experiences. When we were young in elementary school we actually learned about the planets and our solar system. We all were so in awe about it all and we often were eager to ask questions and gain as much knowledge as possible. As many of grew up we stopped looking up and pointing out the familiar constellations and the excitement about the stars and our universe seemed to dissipate. The night sky became mundane and ordinary.

I have always had a love for the stars. My favorite movie since I was 10 has been Contact which was originally a book written by Carl Sagan. If you are not familiar with Carl Sagan, I'd suggest you become familiar with him because he is truly an inspirational amazing man. His thoughts and ideas on the Universe are awe-inspiring,humbling, and beautiful. I know a major component in astronomy is physics. I am not much of a math or physics person, but you do not need know those concepts to appreciate the Universe. Carl Sagan does a brilliant job of explaining the concepts of the Universe in a way that is understood and appreciated by all. He encouraged people to question the Universe even if it was the most simplistic of questions it was always worthy of an answer. He had a way that sparked up the child-like fascination and awe about our Universe that we had forgotten about or set aside.

I really wish that people would take the time to begin to ponder the Universe. I want people to go outside and look at the stars again. I want people to pick up and book or watch a film and learn about the Cosmos. I want people to spark up conversations and debates with their peers and mentors on their ideas and thoughts on our Universe. I think this is so incredibly important. We are a part of the Universe we are the Cosmos. Everything that we are made of and everything that surrounds us is a part of the Universe. It is the very existence of our being. Why should we not question and ponder it? Why do we dismiss it and set it aside? There are so many wonderful amazing discoveries we have yet to discover and so many conversations that have to take place that can help us understand who we are and help us realize that we are just small part of something that is so vast and awesome.

"We make our world significant by the courage of our questions, and by the depth of our answers"--Carl Sagan

Grow the f**** up!

I think one of the most challenging lessons you learn as you get older, is that just because you gain years in age doesn't mean you gain any years in maturity. I came across something last night that really bothered me on Facebook in relation to what I'm going to write about.

There was this kid I went to school with from 1st grade-12th grade. If you can think of the weirdest oddball you know and multiplied it by 1,000,000 you got this kid. In fact, that would even an understatement. It's become apparent to me this kid had some social defect or something of that sort to make him the way he is in recent years. He was pale as a ghost, thin, and his mother smothered him and most likely did drugs, alcohol, and smoked throughout her pregnancy. Throughout school growing up he lived out sci-fi fantasies on the playground, pretending he was a robot, laughing inappropriately out loud to himself, running through the halls knocking people over to get to class exactly 4 minutes before the bell rang, and etc. Back then, it was humorous it was funny. He got picked on non-stop, and I admit I was mean to him a few times also. I was young then though and peer pressure was hard to resist when you were already an outcast yourself.

Before, I get into the actual story, let me make note that I'll be 22 on Saturday, my classmates and I from high school graduate in 2004. Anyways, last night while I was on Facebook I saw there was a group created all around making fun of this kid. It's description was titled (to protect this person I'm going to make up a name) " A discussion for Tom Keenly enthusiasts". Already the group has comments about the mannerisms and oddities about this kid. I know I will NEVER forget this kid, because of how really strange he was, but all these people in this group are ADULTS and haven't had association with this person for 4 years.

How much can a person take? How much hell is this poor kid going to have to go through? Why are people creating a group or hangout out of negativity and hurtfulness especially when most of these people are college graduates off in grad school, med school, or law school? Also, a lot of the people who had posted things on here were outcasts and kids made fun of in school themselves? Have people not learned anything?

I don't think people realize the effect bullying has on children. I hear even from celebrities that they will never forget some of the horrible things kids did to them growing up. I know from experiences that a lot of the bullying I received has attributed to my anxiety disorders and low self esteem. Now, just to see this freaking group 4 years after the fact, steams me.

I think things like this for teens and kids is getting worse these days. I don't think kids have the proper outlet to express their emotions and are afraid to talk to someone about it all. I know I was, and I wish there was something out there where I had a safe place I could talk to my similar peers, and gain support and tools to channel the negative experiences I was having into positive ones. My boyfriend and I were just talking about this. I'm sure there are foundations out there that serve some of these purposes I'll have to do my research though. I wish there was something more nationwide and recognized. Hmm...I may need to save some of my thoughts and ideas for this on another blog but I just wanted to share this story.

I really do hope that kid does find the peace in his life he needs to be happy and I hope he does get the help and support he needs to lead his life, and I'm truly sorry for being mean to him back in junior high.

What do I owe to people?

First of all sorry for not blogging lately. When things tend to be pretty good in my world, I can't seem time to blog!

It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I put others to a higher standard than my own. Every choice I make in my life I feel required to give a full explanation as to why I made the choice to certain people. I guess I feel this way because I don't feel like I fit in with people in my age group, like because I'm different I owe them some sort of reasoning. I feel like I skipped the entire period of my life where I run free, drink, party, act like an ass, and sleep around. Mind you, I am glad I haven't done those things it doesn't appeal to me in any way and I don't see how experiencing that would make me "loosen up". It's very challenging to be social at my age, considering my ideas of social are not by societies standards acceptable.

For some reason there is some crime in rather spending quiet time at home or having a small gathering of people to play board games or watch a movie. Yes, I guess I'm just a nerd, but whatever. Why must people make some sort of big deal out of it? I hate being questioned all the time as to why I do things this way or why I don't want to go out to the clubs. It's so anxiety provoking hanging out with certain people who are into those things and I feel a need to give them some essay on why I don't want to go, but still they ask!

I have this one friend who I've told multiple times about my anxiety. I told him about this because a lot of the times I get panic attacks when were out and sometimes I just need to take a break or leave early because I've had my fill. Even after that he makes some big deal about me leaving early. He's like "the clock strikes 6 and off you go!". It's all meant in a joking manner, but it still bothers me. It's like cannot I not lead my life without everyone questioning my actions, and why must I feel like I owe people an explanation to my actions anyways? All of this just intensifies my anxiety and confirms my fears that people are judging away at my every move.

There is also this other side of the coin, which probably has more truth to it than my other theory, that is that I'm the only one who is putting myself in this position. I think I'm inclined to take things more personally than others because of my experiences in life. People have been very hurtful to me, so I just assume people are out to rain on my parade. I have this need to have this flawless image with everyone with the exception of my boyfriend,my best friend, one or two other friends, and my parents. Why are they are different? They are different because they fully understand who I and my experiences, and when I talk to them they LISTEN. They listen to whats in my heart and my feelings, rather than just listening at superficial level. The other people though not all, some I find very surface and shallow, so I feel like I need to play their game, but I don't fit into their game, so when I go astray I feel this strong need that I owe them some sort of reasoning as to why I'm different why I chose this or that. I get the strong sense these people think they are better than me, but deep down I know they're not. My anxiety and my fears want me to feel like they are superior and me being different I don't deserve to enjoy my life the way I chose to so I have to answer to these people as if I'm doing something wrong? I'm not saying ALL the people who do this are surface and shallow, just some, there are some other people who I am friends with where we just simply misunderstand each other.

I'm probably not making any sense, but I hope someone out here gets it. This fear of judgment and feelings of insignificance and inadequacy are things I need to work on. Besides, for feeling that way, life has been really good. I'm very lucky to be with someone now that I feel like I can be myself with. There is no greater joy than to experience laughter, fun, complexity, love, and understanding with someone. I used to have this fear of relationships, because in past relationships they were a source of "validation" for me, but I've realized relationships should "enhance your life" and this one does. It has reminded me that I am great the way I am and I do have people in my life who are supportive of me for being me. So, maybe I just need to take these other people with a grain of salt. I shouldn't ever feel like I owe things to other people. I should enjoy my life regardless if it's different from others, it's no one damn business anyways, plus if people are really that interested in why I do this or that, maybe they're the ones with the problem not me.....ramble ramble...

I'm done :) Thanks for listening!

Adventures in Panic Disorder

Today was a great day my parents were in town and we went out and did a lot of fun things until it came until dinner time. I decided we should try this restaurant I heard about, but it was kind of far.

I was driving with them in the car to dinner, not sure at all where this place was or how long it would take. We are getting every red light possible. There is something about traffic, stopping, moving, stopping, that makes me really uncomfortable. I feel stuck and out of control. That started to make me anxious followed by nausea which is the first thing I get in panic. We're still driving going along and every half block another long traffic light. This is miserable, I am just thinking I need to either get to where we are going or go back, according to my odometer we only had 5 miles to go so I figured just do it. We finally get there and who the heck knows where we are and the place is closed.

We decide to go back, but I tell my Dad he should drive and find a quicker route. We found a quicker route, but my panic was peaking. It was at the point where any disturbance someone talking, something looking weird, something sounding strange just intensifies the panic. I feel very near being sick, but I held it together barely. I just sat there frozen, like I couldn't move. All I wanted to do was get home. Home=safe. For the next 10 minutes through driving I was experiencing the on and off panic....it would dissipate then peak...etc...those moments where you feel like you'll be OK then the next you're about off the cliff...

I made it home, sent my parents to dinner, and still feel very nauseated. I'm proud of myself today because I did do a lot of things I normally shouldn't have. I probably should of taken another dose of Klonopin before dinner, but I felt fine then, you know how it goes. I mean, when I am in that severe of panic I can't concentrate enough to breathe or I have no way of escape so I just vacillate in it. So, on that note I'll stop dwelling on it. Just figured I'd share, but honestly I'm truly proud of myself the past 2 days I've realized that I can do "normal" activities and ENJOY them, which is nice to know. :)

Clashing with people

----This is in reference to a conversation I had with someone on an anxiety support group----

If there is anything I hate, it's conflict, and what I hate about is I'm experiencing some here. I don't know if it's my need to please or be perfect that is making this so difficult. I feel like this being an anxiety based site, that is reasonable in chat to question people if they have anxiety if they are experiencing some common anxiety symptoms (that are consistent with panic) rather than reacting immediately with call 911. I think everyone has different support styles, but I think it's best considering that all of us have anxiety to be best as gentle and calm as possible and not reactive where you could increase or scare someone. That is just MY opinion. This of course varies form person to person.

What I don't understand is I was doing my best to provide someone with support and guidance from my own similar experience. This came from the heart and was entirely genuine. Someone disagreed with my approach and was afraid I wasn't concerned for their health and safety first and suggested that they could be dead tomorrow by asking about anxiety rather than taking into consideration (heart disease,stroke,other terminal things).

I know probably posting a blog about an argument on this site with someone isn't wise, but I have no ill will towards this person. I feel like we have clashing personalities and different ideas which is fine, but I don't want to be getting into with someone on here every time and feeling like I have to walk on eggshells because I'm afraid of someone correcting me. I want to make peace with this person without having to compromise my ideals to appease them. I've done that all my life and it's honestly getting old.

This just bothers me so much because as a sufferer with anxiety, I want to be able to supportive to others because I know how scary this is. I've been invovled in other support gorups and have recieved nothing but positive feedback by my support. Not saying I'm perfect either, but this was the first time this has happened to me. Bringing someone peace of mind is something that brings me a lot of joy, and I'd hate for that to be ruined experience here. I know the other person those are their intentions as well. We have the same common goal, but we have different approaches. Their's is fine even though they've told me mine is faulty. Can't we just agree to disagree? Thats where I'm lost. I don't want to sit around in spinning arguments with someone whom I know will not be satisfied with what I have to say. It's like trying to get a Nazi to be Communist. Not a great example it's just not going to happen.

I just hate that I'm in a place where I go to be supportive and be supported is becoming something that is causing me stress. The reason I believe this place was to create a positive,comforting, and supportive environment. I know, I am someone who is very hard on myself, so I know I can dwell on things and take them to heart, and I shouldn't. It's one person's opinion out of many people who know me. Again, this is a very sweet and caring person, they are in no way bad or mean. It's just we simply disagree. That makes things hard for me the PERFECTIONIST who wants everyone to like them and feels vulnerable and worthless when feels things go wrong.

Bleh I'm done with this long ramble. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings in this. I tried to be as object,mature, and nice as possible. It's not my thing to go after people or try to make anyone look bad, so I hope I didn't do that.

Overwhelming emotions

I've noticed lately that a lot of my emotions are being challenged, which is a good thing but a very difficult thing to deal with. I am someone who can speak about emotions freely, but lately I'm finding myself when people ask whats wrong or whats going on I say "I don't know". I tend to say that when I just filled up with mixed emotions and it's nearing towards anger.

I'm noticing that my need to have this perfect image is taking a strain on some of social interactions. I notice myself getting angry and impatient when I feel someone has misunderstood, mis-assessed, or misjudged something I have said. If I state a simple opinion and someone takes it another level and assume I mean something else by it I get really angry and defensive. I'm quick to "did I say that" or "what part of what I said gave you an inclination I thought that". The reason I react this way is because I'm honestly terrified of someone thinking badly of me. With strangers, I don't even care, but with friends this is where it becomes a problem. It's really frustrating to me and it's been happening a lot with a few people. It just makes me feel very small and stupid. I can't even explain it really. I hate being corrected too. I know this is making me sound egotistical but I'm not far from it. As I've said before in my posts I feel like I'm on this never ending quest to prove I am worthy. Everything I say is somewhat thought out ...played out in my head to make sure it's suitable, and when I get corrected it sends me for a loop (this is depends on the person). It makes me feel helpless and cornered....

Let me go off on something really quick to help describe this...in the book Fearless Living you to choose 2 words that are you fear based words... how you react in fear and you fill this word in the blanks provided in these statements

"If someone I love, respect, or admire thought I were ________, I would be devastated"

My word for that blank is ordinary. Ordinary people have disagreements, ordinary people have conflicting opinions, I don't want to be ordinary. I want to be SPECTACULAR AMAZING INCREDIBLE! So getting any response that doesn't make feel as if I accomplished something extraordinary devestates me.

The other statement goes like this...

"If the people I care about really thought I was ordinary. I would feel as I were ________."

My word for that blank is insignificant. If I can't be extraordinary then I don't matter. It can even go beyond insignificant to worthless and unlovable. Every time something like these small instances happen it triggers these feelings. Thats why I react the way I do. I get angry, flustered, and feel utterly helpless.

Hmm, I stopped typing for a few minutes and it's amazing how this blogging is working for me. I feel a bit better now. It's such a good release to get this out. I use to just hold it all in or I couldn't find ways to express myself well enough where I'd get any relief. I feel like the more I write the more I am recognizing these specific challenges I have. Soon, I hope I will able to come up with some starting points and a foundation to build on to help challenge these perceptions I have. I wish this could all go away, and I could go back to enjoying my life carefree, but this will make me stronger, and I hope one day I when I am on a better path I can inspire and encourage others to find their own inner peace. I have a gut feeling and strong passion to do something like that in my future.

Acknowledgement:

I acknowledge myself for allowing myself a minute to breathe and re-focus.

Gratitude:

I am grateful for this opportunity I have to journal.

I am so much better...

First of all sorry for not having a post yesterday. I got preoccupied! Lately things have been going pretty smoothly. I've been thinking a lot about my past and how much I have accomplished in the past few years, and I am so much better than before. I still have many things to work on, but this is all process. Life is a process it isn't some set package.

Anyways, I've also been thinking about some things in life I'd like to experience and do. One thing I've always wanted to do was swim with dolphins. I know that sounds very corny, but it is truly something I've always dreamed of doing.

I wouldn't call myself a religious person, but I think I am spiritual in the sense I feel more in tuned to nature and animals than anything Biblical if you know what I mean. Ever since I was a little girl I was always so fascinated with the ocean. I guess The Little Mermaid kind of sparked this humorously enough. I've always been intrigued by it and the beautiful creatures who call it home. I became even more in touch with it back when I visited Hawaii. There is a fantastic show on Maui called "Ulalena" it is a Cirque de Soleil type show celebrating Polynesian culture and their mythology (how they are one with nature/weather/ocean). After I saw that spent nights on a quiet beach under the stars. It was so peaceful. It was in those moments I felt a part of all that was around me. I felt free and liberated. I know that sounds a bit loony, but I don't know. Hundreds of years ago before technology,politics, and etc life seemed more meaningful. People celebrated simple joys and were grateful for the beautiful things that surrounded them. I would love to go back to Hawaii and spend some nights on that beach again, hopefully next time I go I can share it with someone special. I really went off on a tangent there, but I love dolphins. I think they are incredible animals that are a representation of how I want to be and feel. They family oriented, friendly, playful, protective, fun-loving and intelligent. I'm not saying I want to be a dolphin now guys, but hopefully you understand where I am coming from.

Another thing I've wanted to do is get voice lessons. I've been talking about this for years, but I have yet to have the courage to go about this. I love to sing. I've never been choir or had any experience, but I think I do have a good voice that with development and training could be very good. My mother was a singer (not famous, just locally) and she always played guitar and piano growing up. I've been around music my whole live I play the flute, so I know quite a bit about the subject. Singing is something I've always hidden from my family though. I guess it was being an only child my parents made huge deals out of anything good I did and that embarrassed me so I kept it quiet. When I started singing for friends they were always surprised that I could sing.My parents still don't know I can sing really...I don't know I mean I don't want them to make a big deal out of it! I don't want to do this voice lessons thing because I want to make something out of my singing , but as something I'd like to do for myself. Singing is something that else that makes me feel free. My anxiety gets in the way from getting voice lessons though. I'm worried they'll think I suck and I'm just fooling myself, but it's their job to teach so why should I worry? I really should just do this though. I'm kicking myself in the butt for not doing theater or choir in high school, and I know I'll feel the same way about this before too long. I know you're told it's never to late to do things, but I think it is too late for me. I know I said I don't want to make something out of singing, which I don't, but of course there has always been that small dream to be sing in musical theater or something just for fun though not for a career. I feel like I'm too late for that and with my anxiety being this high...who knows. I shouldn't say that, thats negative self talk right there at it's finest. Thats all for now, and so I'll leave you with this video/song thats been in my head the past few days from the Legally Blonde Musical (don't laugh). I think the song is kind of fitting and it really describes how I feel now just trying to break free from stuff that I know I am better than.

Acknowledgement:
I acknowledge myself for expressing myself through song today.

Gratitude:
I am grateful for the sea, stars, and all that is beautiful that surrounds me.

Tis the Season

Now for a more light hearted SHORT blog. I seem to have some obsession with Christmas. Yes, I do realize it is June 21st, but honestly I do not care. I love Christmas related things. I love Christmas music, lights, traditions, and etc. It just makes me instantly happy. I guess it's just that time of year in my experience people are little more giving and compassionate, well except socialites that only care about expensive gifts. I go through a Christmas phase every summer where I just listen to Christmas music. Haha, I know there are some people out there my dad's manager being one of them who despise Christmas music at even during Christmastime. I'm always one of the first people to decorate for Christmas. I'm sure I'm a nut about this but I'd rather be all Sugar Plum Fairy-ish than Scroogey or Grinchy! That being said, I have never been somewhere cold for Christmas. I'd LOVE to experience a white Christmas sometime in the near future! Oh and yes, when I get my own house, I will be one of the crazy houses whose lights dance to music. :) So on that note, after my acknowledgment and gratitue I will leave you a video of Christmas lights dancing to the spectacular TSO (Trans-Siberian Orchestra).

Acknowledgment:
I acknowledge myself for pushing myself to go out with my friend to day.

Gratitude:
I'm grateful for my little furry friend who keeps me entertained and happy!



P.S. I always would love to see TSO or Mannheim Steamroller in concert. Anyone want to go with me?

Peace, love, and June Christmas cheer,
Stephanie

Speaking the truth

I was just getting overwhelmed by emotions so I decided now would be a good time to blog. I think our environment whlie growing up has part in how we are shaped emotionally. I grew up in the suburbs. I went to a school with overly privileged kids. They had parents who were, CEO’s, doctors, and lawyers. Their first cars were BMW’s and Mercedes and seemed live the lives similar to those on The Hills. There were many expectations drilled in our young minds growing up in these schools. One, you MUST go to college, but not just any college a college that has some sort of comradery. Two, in order to be successful not in school but in LIFE you have to get X score on your SAT’s and have a X GPA. Three, the college you to go will be the college you stay at and earn your degree in 4 years. Four, most likely after you get your degree you will be on your way to graduate school, law school, or medical school. Five, you will lead the perfect American life. You will meet your mate in college or maybe even high school. You will get married around 22-25 and have babies…so forth..and so on…

This concept was drilled into my head, anything shy of it seemed to scream FAILURE, LOSER, NOBODY, and WORTHLESS. After high school I went on to a state university to begin my adventure into the world of how I thought things were supposed to go. Well, things didn't go as well as I would of liked. I ended up leaving that school not because of bad grades but because I had no idea why I went there in the first place, followed by being lonely and confused. When I moved back home all I did was beat myself up. I was afraid to leave the house because I was embarrassed that I'd run into someone I knew and I'd have to own up to that I already screwed up the ideal path I was supposed to venture on. Finally I transferred to a school in Florida, where I really do enjoy my education and experience. Still, I am behind my peers, and that embarrasses me. When people ask me when I'm going to graduate I feel like I need to give them a full on explanation on why I'm graduating late as if I owe them something.

Now on to the point I'm writing this. There are people in this world through my perception seem to go through life effortlessly. They follow that "ideal" path and everything just seems to fit into place in their perfect world. I'm not stupid, I know they have their own struggles, but from my experience in relating to these people their struggles are limited in comparison to mine. I'm not going to sit here and rant on these people. I'm adult enough to speak the truth and say I'm jealous. Ok, maybe I'll rant a little bit. I think what makes me so angry about this, is that a lot of these people don't have any idea the type of challenges other people have to go through in life, so they tend to go off spewing out the amazing things in their life and how they can were able to conquer their MOLEHILL size of inner demons.

I have a very hard time tolerating and associating with people like this. Maybe I view life having a bit more substance than having a boyfriend and going to college. I feel like I was presented that life is only about superficial things, and those superficial things have plagued my life. They have made me insecure and anxious. I have a challenging time being cheerful and happy for people who seemed to have had things handed to them on a silver platter. Mind you, I know that not everyones life is like that, but this is just my perception. I think a lot of these people need a big slice of humble pie. I find beauty and value in people who have really put up a struggle to get what they want out of life. I know I have, and it is a constant process for me.

There is one thing I need to realize in this, is instead of being angry at these people, I need to understand they don't know any better, because they haven't experienced anything different. They have no idea how challenging life can be and how hard a lot of people have to work to get to where they are. I have to view these people as innocent rather than immature, attention seeking, and naive. Haha, that is very hard to do. I'm a modest person. I don't see the need and being showy about myself or my life. I'm not seeking for people to validate me, and it is CLEARLY obvious the people who do that. Now, I'm just rambling...

I know this post makes me sound bitter and horrible. I'm not trying to be this way, that is why I'm letting it out in a blog. I'm hoping through writing out my emotions I can begin to see the opportunity to challenge these thoughts and improve on them, rather than act out on them or feel bad about myself for feeling them. I can't continue to hold myself back because I feel guilty for not following that path that I felt obligated to follow. I also can't continue to be ashamed because my life is different than others. The only person really judging me is myself, but that is another battle in itself. I put way too much value on others and so little on my own. That all being said I'm going to leave this be and leave off with some positivity.

Acknowledgment:

I acknowledge myself for being open and honest about my feelings.

Gratitude:

I'm grateful for having friends who do not judge me based on my feelings but on my character.

Welcome to my blog!

Hello everyone. It is really awkward to start out these things, because you're not entirely sure what to say. My name is Stephanie and I'm (almost) 22 year old student in Orlando, Florida. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Disorder. I hate the word "suffer" though, that word to me just sounds like I'm terminally ill and there is no means of hope for me what so ever, which I do not believe. The reason I decided to start a blog was just to keep a journal of my feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I don't intend on every post being an Oprah Winfrey special, because I do have my share of opinions on the daily ongoings of society and culture in our world. Let me warn you though I am wordy person and tend to have lengthy blogs.

Let me tell you a bit about myself. I consider myself to be an engaging,warm, and genuine person. I really enjoy the company of like-minded others, and I get the most satisfaction from brightening other peoples days or lending a shoulder to cry on. I never feel inclined to be this way it just seems natural to me. I have a genuine love for people that knows no bounds, and though I think that is a good quality, it does sometimes come to bite me in the ass.

I am a perfectionist by all means. Even though we all know perfect doesn't exist, I still try and achieve it some how. Growing up, I was teased a lot on my appearance and from what I've learned this wasn't just teasing,this was pretty severe emotional and mental abuse. It made me feel completely inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, and pretty much like utter garbage. Though that was 9 years ago, I still feel the after effects of it all. I feel like I am on an never ending quest to prove to people that I am worthy and I deserve love. Mind you, I have made some great strides in my live in 2006 I began dieting and exercising. I lost around 60lbs and did some life coaching that really allowed me to realize that I am a social and outgoing person. Though my self esteem has improved slightly I still have miles to go, and this has created some immense anxiety.

I am currently in therapy, and I absolutely love my therapist. I went undiagnosed for years and to finally have a diagnosis is a relief, but at the same time I do not want to accept it. Every time I have a panic attack or am struggling through anxious thoughts I want to fight it off. I'm ashamed and embarrassed for feeling this way and having this. I want to be better than it, but trying to fight it only makes it worse. It completely ruins the "fun" I should be having in my life. Everything I ought to enjoy becomes a chore. It becomes something I dread. I worry so much about how I'll feel, how people perceive me, and if I'm saying the right things. When these things go wrong, I just beat myself up about it. I'm angry at myself for feeling this way, and I in all honestly I feel I deserve every ounce of "suffering" I feel from this. I don't want to impose on people my struggles or my worries it's not their burden it's my own. I don't feel like this everyday, but at it's peak this is how I feel.

Amongst all this, deep down I know that I owe it to myself to be better. People seem to like me and enjoy my company, thats not the point though. The real issue at hand here is what is going to take for me to love myself and accept myself for who I am and all my flaws? Though, my anxiety is probably not going to go away. I know part of it may dissipate if I begin to take those tiny steps towards that goal. On that note I'm going to again start practicing "acknowledgments" and "gratitudes" something I learned from Rhonda Britten's "Fearless Living". Each blog post I will write 1 thing I acknowledge myself for and 1 thing I am grateful for. As, the days or weeks go on I will increase the number I do. Hopefully this will begin to shift my focus on the positive aspects of myself rather than the negatives.

My acknowledgment.

I acknowledge myself for opening up this journal so I have a place to release my thoughts rather than hold them in.


My gratitude.

I am grateful for the friends and family who give me the love and the (((( )))) (hugs) I need so much. They will never know how much all that means to me.

Peace and love,
Stephanie