Reflections of a Dark Past

I know it has been FOREVER since I last blogged. My life has been hectic. I'm am doing pretty good though and I plan to blog more frequently.


Note: I am sorry if I offend anyone from my past in here that is no my intention.

  Painful experiences are hard to let go, no matter how many times you revisit them and try and get past them. I find myself at night when I can't sleep going over my past experiences. I know it does nothing to keep talking about them. It doesn't change what happened, but maybe each time I talk about them it becomes easier to deal with. 

People tend to dismiss the experiences of their childhood as meaningless and trivial, but I think in many instances they do play a part in how we are shaped in the world. Ever since I was in middle school I felt this ongoing need to be perfect. I think it initially started when I first started going to middle school. It was a very strange transition. I remember being in elementary school and everything being carefree and fun. When I went to middle school I noticed everything shifted from "fun" to "cool". Girls at my school started dressing in Abercrombie & Fitch, wearing makeup, getting their hair highlighted. It was very odd to see this considering a few months ago I was wearing a shirt with Disney characters on it and getting a haircut my mother picked out for me. It was a culture shock! People started forming little groups. Everyone began to be divded...preps, jocks, nerds, skaters..etc. As I go through my facebook and myspace now I can identify who was in what group growing up and how in most cases I still put some of these people on pedestal because of their status in high school. I assume they get more out of life, they are more popular, and have better experiences. Regardless I wouldn't want to be in their position. At the same time though, I enjoy my own life, my own sense of purpose and style, the people I am close with. That is a very wishy-washy stance I know but they are those past negative beliefs about myself that rear their ugly heads every so often. 

I was teased severely in the 8th grade. This caused me to develop panic disorder. I would sit through an hour of 4th period U.S. History class everyday being teased by these 2 boys unmercifully. Every single day I'd sit there frozen in fear and shaking never knowing if I'd make it through that day. I survived though, but that left a permanent scar on my self worth. That scar became a part of my identity for a long time and still it makes it appearances as an adult. I never realized the impact of bullying until I started to hear other stories. We hear stories today about kids committing suicide over things such as this because it really is that painful. When you are in school and at that age that is your life. School and the people in it are all you experience so you assume their opinion of you is the worlds opinion of you. 

After middle school, I ditched who I was and just lived the life of that painful scar. I held back my bubbly fun personality from the world and took on this shy and reserved role. I dismissed interests I had such as singing or theater because that would make me only more vulnerable. I had done band throughout middle school, so I just stuck with that because it was familiar. I began to people please everyone around me hoping to win the approval and praise of those around me. I felt like I had to win peoples affection by showering them with kindness and gifts all while I tormented and hated myself on the inside. Marching band was utter hell for me. I can't think of something I hated worse in my life. I loved music. I loved playing in concert band, but the constant practices and long hours of constant band was not how I wanted to spend my life. Band was my life and it couldn't be anything less. I was too afraid to quit. I was too afraid of what people would think. If I even mentioned hating band I got evil glares and looks from the people in band who loved it. I'm not saying band is a horrible thing, it just wasn't for me, and I sure as hell wish I didn't give shit back then and just quit. I would of rather done 4 years of P.E.! 

As I look back now there is a part of me who wishes they could just show everyone I used to know who I really am. It is a constant process for me learning to love and accept myself. It isn't an easy one but I'm glad I am going through it. The people I have met and friends I have made these past 2/3 years have been a great asset to myself and my growth. I don't keep in contact much with a lot of people from past, probably because I think I'll feel like I need to conform to how I used to be in order for them not to think I've lost my mind entirely. I like my life now and it has taken many obstacles to get where I am and I am facing more and more obstacles each day. Each time I go through something it does become easier and my confidence builds. Even though there are plenty of things I'm mad at myself for doing in ways I am glad I did them because it has given me this profound insight into who I am. It has allowed me to stop blaming others for my bad experiences and recognize that I am my worst critic. Life is truly a complex journey, but a journey I'm glad I get to experience.